An Open Letter to One Internet Shamer (Who Really Pissed Me Off)

Why Internet Shaming Doesn’t Work, and is Ignorant, and Cowardly, and…

I’ve got a message for the pissed-off suburbanite who posted an emotionally charged and personally-identifying Facebook story about a terrible person speeding through our neighborhood with reckless abandon.

You are the problem. You.

Not the person who was allegedly going 15 over in a school zone.

No.

If what you say is true, a local cop should serve that someone a ticket as punishment for their mistake and to pump a bit of funding into our sheriff’s coffers.

But that so-and-so was speeding, probably like you have too. It’s just that you happened to eat an extra bowl of bitch-flakes this morning, giving you some holier-than-thou complex that made you the judge, jury, and executioner.

So congratulations. You win the Internet shaming award. And you, being the problem, should change your ways.

Oh, and while you’re at it, take down that picture of their vehicle, or at least blur out their license plate.

You’re acting like a two-year-old, and shaming doesn’t work.

Here’s why.

Shaming Doesn’t Work

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we’re flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” — Brene Brown

You probably think you’re doing a public service.

But the public isn’t served if you don’t get results. And shaming this guy isn’t going to get you any.

I know how humans work. I am one. When I’m attacked, my first reaction is to get defensive. When someone points out how I did something wrong, my mind races with reasons that could explain why what I did was justified.

In my experience, when I’ve pointed out someone else’s wrongdoing, the accused has the same reaction: defensiveness and justification.

They always come up with a perfectly valid reason why they did what they did.

This so-called-speeder? He will too.

That’s his ego talking, and it takes a calm, rational mind to tell that ego to shut up — which is not something everyone has.

But let’s say he does. Let’s say he overcomes his ego and takes your shaming feedback to heart. It still doesn’t teach him. It silences him. It fills him with regret. Not regret for his actions. Regret for getting caught.

In other words, he’s disappointed in what the world thinks of him, not that what he did was wrong.

So now you’ve got a defensive guy filled with regret, no do-over, and no apology allowed. You’ve shamed them. You’ve brought the world’s attention to their mistake. And you’ve taken away the courtesy you would usually afford this guy face to face — the ability to apologize and try again.

Will he learn his lesson?

Hell no.

He’ll simply go into silence. Or worse, he’ll feel wronged and attack back.

Almost anyone would.

Shaming is Wrong

My eleven-year-old has a phone. I tell him not to post mean stuff on social media.

He’s of average intelligence, but he gets it right away.

I asked him if it was okay to rat someone out to get them in trouble. He told me that’s called tattletaling, and tattletaling isn’t right.

I asked him whether it’s okay to post a pic and say mean things about someone on social media. He told me it’s not.

Even if what they were doing was dangerous.

Even if what they were doing was illegal.

He told me when someone does something wrong, dangerous, or illegal, he’d ask the person politely to stop. If they didn’t stop, he’d ask a teacher for help. If the teacher wouldn’t help, he’d bring his problem to me to get involved.

What he wouldn’t do is post a photo of the offender on Facebook and tell everyone how wrong or dumb or mean or terrible they are.

But now you’ve gone and posted a picture with personally identifying information for the world to see. You’ve hung this guy in a virtual pillory against his will. You’ve pointed at him, mocked him, and read his crimes aloud.

I get it.

You want everyone to see how awful he is and how good you are.

His mistake is unforgivable. It’s a mistake you’d never make it.

You are the hero. He’s pure evil. And, as soon as you decide to free him, it’s probably best you tattoo a scarlet letter to his forehead in deep red ink.

Can’t you see that what you’re doing is barbaric? Can’t you see that it’s wrong?

You want to ruin this person by pitting the world against him. You want to get him fired and load search engines full of negative tweets and articles which will forever affect how others treat him.

Because why? Because what he did was wrong in your eyes?

Well, guess what, what you’re doing is wrong also, and two wrongs don’t make a right.

Oh, and get with the times. Shame is primitive and barbaric. And barbarism was phased out in the 1850's.

Shaming Hurts

“Shame is real pain. The importance of social acceptance and connection is reinforced by our brain chemistry and the pain that results from social rejection and disconnection is real pain.” — Brene Brown

It’s one thing to tell someone that what they’ve done is wrong.

It’s another to post their picture in a negative light for all to see.

In the first scenario, you’re talking about the persons actions. You’re telling this guy that you don’t like what he did. You don’t devalue him as a person. You don’t undermine his belief that he can improve and right their wrong.

In the second scenario, you do.

When you shame someone, you’re telling everyone that this person is bad. In turn, you’re telling the person that they have no chance for redemption. They’re a lost cause and should find another place to live.

Except the Internet is global, so where else would they go?

“These days the hunt is on for people’s shameful secrets. You can lead a good, ethical life, but some bad phraseology in a Tweet can overwhelm it all, become a clue to your secret inner evil.” — Jon Ronson

In 2011, the National Institute of Mental Health and the National Institute of Drug Abuse studied shame. They concluded that shame — the intense experience of social rejection — hurts the same way as physical pain as far as your brain is concerned.

In other words, shame hurts. Really, physically, seriously hurts.

And before you say, “good,” ask yourself whether you are the type of person who hurt others.

Ask yourself, if given a chance, would you really be willing to kick and punch smack around another person for speeding, getting angry in public, or tweeting an inconsiderate comment (all things people have been shamed for).

I’m guessing you wouldn’t because you’re better than that.

The problem with shaming is that it hurts someone and, when shamed, they don’t believe they can fix it. They don’t think they can do better.

And when you don’t think you can do better, you nosedive into depression, violence, addiction, etc.

“Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying… there are no data to support that shame is a helpful compass for good behavior. In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the solution.” — Brene Brown

Seems counterproductive if you ask me.

It also seems cowardly.

Shaming Others is Cowardly

You think you’re brave because you shamed someone through the veil of social media?

You didn’t throw the first punch. You just asked your friends to kick this guy around. And they’ll keep kicking, even after he’s down.

Thats not bravery, that’s cowardly.

You’ve made an otherwise private action public so you could bully your way to victory with the power of the crowd. You didn’t have the balls to look up his plates, visit him, and give him a piece of your mind. You didn’t want to handle things yourself, so you brought the world to bear on your problem.

If you want to make real change, try standing up to a wrong in the face of possible recourse.

If you want to tell someone how they’ve affected you, try looking them in the eye.

Throwing virtual stones to shame someone risks nothing, so means nothing. Which, in a way, is ignorant.

Shaming Others is Ignorant

You’ve shamed this dude because you thought it was the right thing to do?

How ignorant.

You probably thought you were protecting the world by showing everyone how what this guy did was wrong, but you’re only sharing your perspective; a perspective, by the way, which has no context, no explanation, and no evidence of the person’s improper actions.

You don’t know what that person was thinking. Hell, you don’t even know the driver was driving his own vehicle.

You just assumed.

You assumed why they did what they did. You put this person on trial without evidence, without a jury, and without due process. No benefit of the doubt. No patience for their mistakes.

And humans need patience.

Anyone with two brain cells to rub together understands that humans aren’t robots, and rarely are the decisions we make black and white.

Nobody is perfect. Believing they are is ignorant. Holding someone to an unattainable standard, expecting idealistic perfection in a non-idealistic world is beyond ignorant, it’s counterproductive.

“Maybe there’s two types of people in this world: those people who favor humans over ideology, and those people who favor ideology over humans. I favor humans over ideology, but right now, the ideologies are winning, and they’re creating a stage for constant artificial high dramas where everyone is either a magnificent hero or a sickening villain, even though we know that’s not true about our fellow humans. What’s true is that we are clever and stupid; what’s true is that we’re grey areas.” — Jon Ronson

And, if all that doesn’t get through your thick skull, then know this — shaming others is ignorant because nobody really gives a shit.

This shaming you’re doing, this accusation you’re making, it didn’t really affect anyone else. They act like it did. They cry foul, nash their teeth, and pile on as if they were personally accosted. But they don’t want to do anything to fix the situation. Not really. They just want to join the chatter. They want to feel something in what must be an otherwise meaningless life. So they get involved, and they react along with you.

Which happens to be (in a final bout of ignorance) a reaction that doesn’t even fit the crime.

Getting threatened for driving too fast? Ignorant.

Getting ridiculed in front of others? Asinine.

I’d be shocked if you did these things in person. In fact, I bet you’re a pretty nice guy.

So Who Shames, and Why?

“Some in our society sickeningly delight in assuming the guise of blameless saints, while simultaneously lambasting others for the things they themselves just haven’t been caught doing yet.” — David M. Kirby, The Cost of Pervasive Culture of Shame // Huffington Post

Trolls shame.

They shame to feel good. They shame to feel in control. They shame to feel powerful.

But trolls will be trolls, and nobody cares about them.

What’s surprising is that evangelists shame too. They capitalize on others’ shame to further their cause, to feel good, and to get attention. If there’s a positive form of shaming, it’s done by an evangelist donating to their cause on the heels of someone else's shame.

But after the trolls and evangelists, it’s businesses and the rest of us.

While businesses shame to support their cause, further their brand, and increase profit, what about the rest of us?

Well, nice people shame others too. And, unlike what you did while shaming someone this morning, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Because, as I said before, you’re probably a nice person.

This shaming you’re doing, I’d bet, is being done out of a misplaced sense of empathy. You shame others to protect our kids, to make a statement, to “do the right thing.”

It’s not the ends I’m challenging, it’s the means.

Because what you don’t realize is that your compassion has driven you to act uncompassionately.

In turn, this uncompassionate shaming has created fear in others; fear that if they don’t jump on the bandwagon, they will be shamed themselves.

“There’s an obligation to stand up to abusive power. And, abusive power happens on social media too. Even when it’s being done by nice people, like us.” — Jon Ronson

Shaming Others is Driven by Fear, and Drives Fear

When a monkey screams in the jungle, the animals listen.

A tiger might be on the prowl, searching for its next meal.

This monkey is out to frighten everyone into running away or ganging up on the predator.

Your “screaming” on the Internet is done out of fear too. Except, on the Internet, there is no tiger. There is no big-bad-wolf looking to kill its next victim. Just a person who made a mistake… and you’re screaming is an attempt to get everyone else to join in screaming too.

Great work.

Now you’ve got a bunch of screaming animals trying to tear down an otherwise good person for one misdeed. And when the screaming is done, everyone will be afraid of everyone else.

That’s exactly the kind of society we all strive to live in <— sarcasm.

What to do Instead

First and foremost, if you’re a troll, I’m going to ignore you. So should everyone else.

Trolls, by and large, know their dicks. They enjoy it. They feed off of it. There’s no use trying to change them.

But, if you’re not a troll (and I don’t suspect you are), I hope you realize by now that evil doesn’t stop evil. Nor does wrongdoing justify acting wrong yourself.

I also hope you realize that you shouldn’t participate.

Shaming silences others. It turns us against each other. It transforms us into a surveillance society. Except it’s not the one from George Orwell’s 1984 where the government holds all the power. It’s a horrific society where we hold power over each other and have turned against each other anytime we need a pick-me-up.

“The great thing about social media was how it gave a voice to voiceless people, but we’re now creating a surveillance society, where the smartest way to survive is to go back to being voiceless.” — Jon Ronson

Have some empathy. Give people a chance, just like you would face to face.

Humans aren’t perfect. We’re messed up, tangled, confused beings trying to live our best life.

This person you shamed is one too. They deserve a chance to make mistakes, learn from them, and come back a stronger, participating member of our society.

So, the next time you see someone else being shamed, say something. Just like you’d stand for an injustice face to face, tell the shamers of this world all the reasons why they’re wrong, ignorant, and how what they’re doing won’t work.

Maybe even share this article with them.

If the whole world is against someone, the shamed will have nowhere to turn, nowhere to go. But if even a few defenders come to their aid, it can make their mistake (and subsequent shaming) bearable.

I Had to Stop the Screaming

Look, I’m sorry I came off so harsh.

I bet you are a good person. In fact, I know you are.

You wouldn’t have gotten all upset over this school-zone-speeder if you didn’t care about living in a better world.

Just be careful not to make the world worse as you try to make it better.

Eight hundred twenty-seven years ago, Japanese Samurai would commit seppuku out of shame; a horrific death in which they’d slice open their belly with a short sword. Despite its gruesomeness, committing seppuku was thought to bring honor back to the Samurai. It was a means to rid themselves of shame and end their life nobly.

Four hundred years ago, Puritans would scorn, stone, or throw the shamed into stocks and pillories when they crossed the line. The shamed would lay trapped while their offenses were read aloud to anyone who would listen. Once released, the offenders would live out their lives in shame in their small town as an example to anyone else who would think of committing their crimes.

Fast forward to today, and the digital tools we have for shaming reach much farther than a 2-foot sword or a small Puritan town.

Anyone with a grudge can shame anyone else, anywhere in the world.

Internet shamers can enjoy immediate impact, pure anonymity, permanence, and a worldwide audience, which leads to the allure.

But while this may make you feel good, don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s making a positive impact.

“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better.” — Brene Brown

We don’t live in small towns anymore. We live in a connected world where your transgressions can be immediately shared with anyone (or everyone) in an instant. And, if the world comes down on you, it will leave you with nowhere to turn but deep into a pit of your own despair, violence, and aggression.

I know this isn’t what you want. This isn’t what anyone wants for the world.

You and I, we actually want the same thing.

We want a safe place to live and love. We want a safe place for our children to grow.

We’re not going to get that by pretending everyone must be perfect and screaming like monkeys when they don’t.

We’re humans; perfection isn’t possible.

So instead of shaming people, encourage them to do better. Let’s help others by accepting each other, building each other up, and giving each other grace when we make mistakes. Let’s encourage positive actions and results instead of shaming others into submission.

Do that, and you’ll be a part of the solution instead of part of the problem, which is far better than acting like a two-year-old, and much more likely to get you the results you were looking for in the first place.

Sources

1. Salters-Pedneault, K. (2019, April 30). Why Your Whole Self Feels Ashamed But Only Part Of You Feels Guilty. Verywell Mind. Retrieved October 8, 2019, from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-shame-425328

2. Brown, B. (2015, April 7). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.

3. Ronson, J. (2015, June 1). When Online Shaming Goes Too Far. TED: Ideas Worth Spreading. Retrieved October 8, 2019, from https://www.ted.com/talks/jon_ronson_what_happens_when_online_shaming_spirals_out_of_control?language=en

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